i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize