how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
