What did we do last night that was yellow?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you win again, gameday.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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