You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
