im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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