PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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