I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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