Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
