hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
