Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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