xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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