why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
