im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
