Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
