matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How does one acquire holy water?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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