my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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