i just wanna soil my oats bro
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize