is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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