i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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