My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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