youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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