Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
No subtext here. People are naked.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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