I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
