it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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