Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
