my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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