my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
