he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
