Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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