you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
