I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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