five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
