I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
