Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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