the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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