I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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