its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
