the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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