Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
