who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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