girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This gyro tastes like lonliness
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
