tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hippo gnu deer
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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