i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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