I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
