Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
We just shotgunned beers for America
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
