I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
