Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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