yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
