Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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