So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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