btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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