No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Randomize
