I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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