Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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