She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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