I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
