He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
