3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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