you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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