I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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