You were right. It hurts to walk today.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
