saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I faked an abortion last night.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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