this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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