No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
