i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
