So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you will always have a special place in my vag
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
