im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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