I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize