mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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