Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
as a side note pls kill me
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
